For Women Only~One Man’s Perspective

SPARK YOUR MATCH:  Dating Issues for Our Millennium
By Paula Sparks
Sparks Matchmaking

FOR WOMEN ONLY: A Man’s Point of View

Hello, nice women! There actually are a lot of men out there, but you don’t want most of them, you have informed me. A lot of them have never been married. A lot don’t have height, manners, income level, education level, good looks, personality, or profession. So you want one of the “desirable” ones? Let’s take heed! Many men have voiced it, but this man has put some of it in writing:

“I have some observations from the MALE perspective! Many men agree that WOMEN could improve their dating behavior to increase the chances of leading to a meaningful and mutually satisfying relationship. These are things Jewish women need to hear, but it will REALLY piss them off!

WHAT TO WEAR?
Fuss a little even for a simple get-acquainted coffee meeting. Wear something nice, even if casual.  Wear some make up and jewelry, though no need to go over the top. The man should fuss as well. But I have been to many such meetings where the woman wore ZERO make up or jewelry and dressed like she was getting ready to clean the house! If you are going to bother to meet a man, at least look like you give a damn! Otherwise it is a major and easily avoidable turnoff.

WHERE SHALL WE GO?
If a man invites you for a first real date and going to dinner at a restaurant is on the agenda, if he makes any reasonable suggestion as to the place, be polite and accept that location. If it is a moderate place, do NOT blow it off, lobbying for a much more expensive place, with the assumption that the man is picking up the check.  This is NOT about the money! It is about showing that you are a quality woman, more interested in getting to know this man than snagging an expensive dinner.  Save those fancy places for subsequent anniversaries and special occasions!

MENSCH OR JAP?
If you are on your first dinner date, especially at an expensive restaurant, do NOT order the most expensive item on the menu!  Since for whatever reason, the man is expecting and expected to pick up the check, it is a major turn off, signifying selfishness or bad manners to order the most expensive items or wine. That has happened to me a few times and ticked me off! AGAIN It is NOT about the money!  It is about showing the man he is out with a MENSCH and not a JAP!

THERE ARE TWO OF US HERE, RIGHT?
On a first date, do NOT talk about yourself to the exclusion of all else.  Ask about him. Give the impression you are interested. This is about conveying to a man that you are giving by nature, a very attractive trait to men. Selfishness is a turnoff to BOTH genders.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION?
On the first date, do NOT tell him all your troubles.  We all have them, but he does not want to hear all about them at this stage.  If you become a couple, there is plenty of time to work together to help each other, as it should be. I once had a woman tell me on the first date that her back was so bad, she had not been able to have sex for two years!  Not the sort of thing a man wants to hear! Other topics to avoid: Your ex and what a schmuck he is, divorce details, money troubles. There are lots of other great topics to discuss. So think about what you say before you say it!

NO MALE BASHING!
Through ‘Sex and the City’ dialogue and so much other popular culture, it has become a cliche that women like to go on and on among themselves bashing the male gender, for fun or for whatever reason, it is rampant. On a first date…give it a rest! Men get enough of that on TV, commercials, and movies and do not want to hear on the first date how flawed his gender is. Treat him as an individual and judge him on his own merits.

‘I’M NOT A PRUDE, BUT’
If we hear that, chances are very high that in fact this women IS a prude! Like not being able to trust a man who says ‘trust me’ OR anyone who says, ‘I have a wonderful sense of humor’…in fact does NOT! This is literally a touchy issue. However, while it is totally necessary and appropriate for women to have standards and sensitivities and go at the pace she needs regarding a possible and eventual physical relationship, don’t go overboard in expressing them EARLY! You do not need to proclaim a prudish attitude or give the impression on a first date that the man is fighting the ‘100 years war’ with you over your virtue! An intimate relationship will happen eventually or it won’t. But an attitude conveying ‘be warned:..it will be REALLY difficult for you!’ can be enough to drive away a man very early, whom you MIGHT eventually want for that kind of relationship.  Sex is something virtually ALL men want in a relationship (not a surprise), but it seems many women want to fight that war preemptively and unnecessarily. Hopefully the subject will not even come up in the early stages, but I have personally seen women make it an issue, totally unprovoked, on a first date. Usually, then, end of story.

THERE IS NO PERFECT MAN
If a woman is looking for him, she will never find him.  He does not exist, any more than a perfect woman.  But I have been with some women at the early stage who rattle off a list of requirements for the man she is seeking which would deter ANY male who breathes. If she starts talking, ‘I am looking for a man who is rich, handsome, brilliant, athletic, sensitive, funny, romantic, courageous, sexy’…well you get the idea. I have heard this in one form or another on several occasions.  She may want to snag Brad Pitt..and I may want to snag Angelina Jolie…but it ain’t gonna happen for either of us!  Deal with each man you meet on his own merits and you may like what you find.  NO ONE is perfect!”

So, women, what he is saying has been expressed by many men over the years. Of course, I have written many articles to men about how to behave with women and most of the men do not pay attention!! They think they know better! This is not about male-bashing nor female-bashing. I am trying to help all of us to create great couples. Some people can do just what they’re doing, but most of us must make some adjustments! Married people too! Let’s give each other a BIG chance. Let’s stop ripping each other to shreds. We are all way too critical of each other and not supportive enough, leaving so many of us never marrying at all! We ALL need to make a lot of changes. We all want a partner in life and love, with whom we can have a future. Let’s try to bring out the best in each other!

Who is Paula?
Sparks Matchmaking strives to connect Jewish individuals for the purpose of dating, marriage, and Jewish continuity.  So far, 18 couples are married~with a 0% divorce rate and 12 Jewish children from those marriages.  Several more couples are happily dating or in long-term relationships.

5 Comments

  1. Guess Who

    Paula,
    I read your piece, but frankly I have some reservations. I have attended a few mixers and found far too many of the men unable to speak beyond a cursory ‘Hi.’ Let’s be honest and admit that there aren’t enough men to go around. Secondly, not all of us CARE about whether the man is Jewish. I feel that this article is very ‘dated’ and not true of the situation today. Quoting ‘Sex and the City’ (a TV series from the NINETIES), is not germane. Far too many of the people at these mixers are too clicky; it is very difficult to even hold a decent conversation. If you do have a conversation; they want to talk about being Jewish. BORING. Far too many of these men need to learn some MANNERS and social skills. As for the women; some of us don’t care about getting married.

  2. Irene Kessler

    Paula,
    Excellent article with common sense suggestions. It’s all
    about being kind, thoughtful,considerate and having an open mind and a open heart.

  3. ted hamburg

    good article, common sense?
    Hello Paula

  4. Paula, you are doing a great job and quite a mitzvah! Wonderful article. I totally agree.

  5. Paula, Thanks for continuing to try to help single people.

    In this case I think this man is asking to be deceived. He is telling women to act like someone they otherwise wouldn’t on the first date. Of course there is some good dating advice in here like avoiding certain topics and remember to ask about the other person (if you talk about yourself as a nervous habit) and re-examining unreasonable and unnecessary expectations. One thing I’d suggest here is write down each expectation and try to imagine a man who meets all others but each one as you go down the list and evaluate whether it is truly a deal breaker. I’ll add that women often bring up politics on the first date and often are clearly looking for a political soulmate.

    However, I for one, am happy to find out as early as possible how a woman normally looks when she leaves the house and if a woman is unkempt, selfish, gold-digging, self-absorbed, prudish, fanatical, and/or unreasonable. I have an above average net worth but will typically select a more casual but nice and quiet first meeting location and observe for these behaviors just to screen for these unattractive and unacceptable attitudes. This has saved me much wasted time and money (possibly half?) over the years.

    I prefer no company to bad company.

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