A First Date is an Interview – Not Therapy

Interview

Your date is not your therapist.  Period.  So why are you telling him or her your problems???  In therapy, you have to let it all hang out in order to get better.  But if you tell all to your date, you probably won’t have a second date. A first encounter is the time to put your best foot forward.  You have only a few seconds to make your best impression.  It’s a lot like a job interview. Each party is checking each other out.  And, much like a job interview, there may be a little tension while you both strive to determine whether you’ll be a good match and whether to strike up a relationship. In your personal and professional life, practice makes perfect. The more job interviews you go on, the more proficient you’ll become and the more suitable position you’ll likely find. You’ll learn to ask more relevant questions to discover if it’s a good fit for you.  Same goes for dating. Making a good relationship happen involves a set of skills such as adjusting your schedule to allow another person into your life, maintaining good eye contact, asking appropriate questions – and being a great listener.  Enlist anyone who can help you hone your skills. You’ll be glad you did. You must also improve or at least maintain a positive, upbeat attitude on each and every date.  Most people must go out with many prospects before meeting “the one.”  If you have a negative aura about you, you’ll repel even the right match.  Keep the date brief to help you maintain that upbeat attitude. After all, if you really don’t care for your prospect… it’s only an hour of torture.  Of course, I’m being  a little facetious here.  But meeting new people is supposed to be enjoyable, not a dreaded chore. Practice, practice. Smooth out your dating skills until they come naturally.  Conversation will flow more smoothly and you will be able to relax a little and enjoy getting to know your date.  If you and your date can put each other at ease and share a laugh or two, it makes the whole darned situation easier on everyone. Go on as many dates as you can and at some glorious moment, you and another person will click.  Both of you will resonate together.  It will make the entire drawn out process worthwhile. You’ll finally be in a situation that you love, with benefits.  It might even be cozy and comfortable, like a therapy session! So remember, if you hope to see positive results, exude your most positive self. And don’t be boring!  But that’s another column . . ....

read more

Here’s My Number, So Call Me Maybe?

Call Me Maybe Business Card

Do you ever hand out your business card as a networking tool?  Your mobile # and email address are relatively safe, whether it’s a stranger or someone you’ve met through a friend or at work or at a professional event. If you have given out your number and you get rejected, the only thing that will be hurt is your pride.  But if something works out, you could hit the relationship jackpot! A few years ago, I met a very nice guy at a singles party where he was handing out business cards to people he was talking with.  I called him the next day to say hi, that is was nice to meet him.  Actually, I left him a voice message on his work number after hours so in case he was not interested in me, he could have disregarded my message.  He called me back and invited me to dinner, which was very appropriate because he had already met me and had seen what I looked like. He and I went out for almost a year, and I decided ultimately that he wasn’t for me, but he was a kind, caring person whom I enjoyed getting to know.  If it hadn’t been for him handing out his card, he probably would have been too shy to just ask a woman out, although we were both almost age forty! Women, be sure to meet a man in a public location for the first date or more, until you feel comfortable having him pick you up at your home, if the relationship progresses. If the target recipient of your number doesn’t call, you may never know if they purposely did not call, or if they lost your number, unfortunately an extremely common occurrence.  Oh well, c’est la vie, but here’s my number, so call me...

read more

Attitude of Gratitude

JISL Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is coming and what are most people thinking about?  Food and eating.  And, being with family and friends, having a day off, and shopping. Thanksgiving in America commemorates the pilgrims’ gratitude for receiving help from the Native Americans and giving thanks to God for a bountiful harvest.In my 52 Thanksgivings so far, I don’t recall any thanks being given except maybe to the host.  Never a mention of the original meaning of the holiday and never any mention of God. In my religion, Judaism, every day is Thanksgiving, especially the Sabbath and holy days.  We focus on food and drink, but not before we give heartfelt thanks for our abundant blessings.  The more observant the household, the more fervent the thanksgiving prayers.  And not just for food! Almost everyone reading this article lives in America or in a location where we have clean water to drink, hot showers, flushing toilets, warm homes and beds, clothes and shoes, plentiful food, computers and smart phones.  We also have freedom and security.  A lot of the world does not have any of these things.  We can pretty much do whatever we want, and we mostly think about eating, especially on Thanksgiving. Let us think about our abundant blessings.  If you are always aware of how fortunate you are and all that you really have, you’ll be in a better position to attract a mate into your life.  I don’t mean the mistaken arrogant attitude of how wonderful you are and how much you deserve and how much better you are compared to those who have less or aren’t as successful or don’t look as good as you.  What I am referring to is a greater appreciation of where our bounty comes from!  Yes, from hard work and sacrifice on your part, but it goes much deeper than that. If you exude an attitude of gratitude~to God, to your family, to your (hopefully) partner~you’ll be a better person and much more desirable to be around.  Happy...

read more

Dating Dogma

Puppy

My neighbors have a sweet, loving, furry female rescue dog.  She is great with people and children and she loves attention.  She absolutely loves to go outside to walk, rolling on her back and frolicking in the grass! But then something strange happens:  as soon as she senses another dog, she turns into a tyrant, or so it seems!  She barks loudly and charges aggressively toward the other dog, practically tearing her leash out of the hand of whomever is walking her so she can lunge at the enemy.  Or so it appears! She is actually not aggressive at all.  What she is really trying to say is, “I just want to say ‘hi’ and get to know you and be your friend.”  But she doesn’t know how.  So her behavior scares away other dogs and their owners, preventing her from getting what she wants:  doggy companionship. She always reminds me of some guys who don’t know how to approach a woman and some women who don’t know how to greet a man. Some people are so afraid that they do nothing at all. But others, like my neighbor’s dog, make the effort but instead of saying,”Hi, I’m Charlie. What’s your name?”  They come across as Hey Baby!  Come over here-I want to talk to you!  I want you and I know you want me!! So all of you dogs, and people, if you see someone you want to meet, let’s try a gentler method: Hi!  I’m Paula.  I’m an old friend of the host.  How do you know the host? or Are you new to this group? or How do you like the music? or What kind of job are you looking for? Let’s all try to become gentler and less aggressive when we see something we’d like.  Let’s keep our lives from going the way of my neighbor’s...

read more

New Year for New Relationships

No Need to Be Lonely

It always perplexes me and makes me sad when I see throngs of Jews swarming into temples and synagogues on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Then they disappear, and I never see their faces again for an entire year. They must sense that there’s something different about this time of year, something that compels them to visit their congregation.  They must be aware that God comes closer to us on these two holy days.  So all we need to do is go to temple and ask forgiveness for last year’s mistakes and pray for health in the coming year and that’s it, right? Not.  All year, we need to keep working and working on whatever we’re trying to accomplish –in my case, it’s trying to introduce more and more Jews to one another! I can pray and pray to God to help me create more matches, but if I don’t make phone calls and send emails and meet new people and have programs, I’m not going to be making more couples.  If I pray for help to lose weight, but I just sit on my butt and keep eating bad things and don’t exercise, it’s probably not going to happen. If you’d like to meet your soul mate this year, in 5773, try going to temple or synagogue a few more times throughout the year.  I know a young couple who met at the synagogue last year and they just got married – at the synagogue! Keep asking God to help you get where you want to be.  Keep asking, not just on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. And you must keep doing your part to get in better shape, lose weight, improve your posture, get a better job, brush up on your social skills, make more effort to meet people and more.  Especially, be kinder and gentler all year round to everyone in your life, and work toward being softer and sweeter with the person you’d like to develop a relationship with, striving to bring out the best in each other.   Keep trying your hardest and keep asking for help to achieve your goals. Even if you don’t believe in God as Avinu Malkeinu, our Father our King, it is worth asking for help because God is the ULTIMATE MATCHMAKER! Wishing you success in finding your relationship in the New...

read more

Using Keywords to Strike a Match~on jewishinstlouis.org!

A few months ago, Violet contacted me about meeting someone. As is my usual procedure, I met with her for an hour so I could see what she looks like and to put together a profile of her important details and potential matches. Early in the conversation, for some reason she referred to her son’s ulcerative colitis.  Immediately, I thought of my friend Max who has ulcerative colitis.  A strange commonality on which to base a match?  Yes.  But it provided a keyword for me to think of Max for Violet and to investigate further to see if they have other things in common.  As I went through the list of potential men for Violet, my mind kept returning to Max and wondering if they might like each other. When I got home, I called Max to give him Violet’s phone number.  He did not procrastinate and talk himself out of it.  He called her, set up a date, and like each other they did!  On his way home from their date, Max called me to inform me that he had finally met his soulmate!  Was it the ulcerative colitis?  Probably not, but that was a good starting point for them, and a keyword for me to think of Max as the first (and hopefully only!) match for Violet. They have other things in common, too:  they both love sailing and they are both divorced with children around the same age.  They are even members of the same temple, but they had never seen each other before!!!!!! A lot of times, people will say to me, “Keep me in mind.”  Maybe the only reason that I thought of Max is because I have known him for so many years and I know a lot about him, the keywords to be able to think of him at the right moment. Because I don’t know a lot about most people, it’s essential to stay in touch with me and keep me informed and reminded about you.  Let’s use your keywords to find you a...

read more